We drove from Dublin to Scotland for the last epic road trip. Stephen is car mad. He used to regale me of (the same) stories of his first epic road trip around the Ring of Kerry and how it made him feel alive. He also loves Scotland, we both do! Edinburgh is our favourite city after Dublin of course. It made sense to us to allow him one last trip to Scotland and as we couldn't fly we chose to drive. 

We drove to Belfast first and took Stena Line ferry to Cairnryan, Scotland. I haven't been on a boat in years so I was bowled over with how much you can do regarding activities. We paid a little extra to access the Stena Club Lounge and that in itself was unreal. Free drinks, snacks, free wifi, free use of iMacs, areas to sleep and of course the best view from the ship. Coming home we booked a suite and slept the whole way from Cairnryan to Belfast.

Stephen  drove as far as Glasgow and I took over for the last leg of journey to Fife. It took 9 hours to get over including breaks and traffic stops. We surprised my sister by knocking on her front door. 

Whilst over there we didn't sit around. We took in the sights of St Andrews. Anstruther, Dundee, Kirkaldy promenade and Edinburgh City Centre. It was amazing to see Scotland in the luxury of our own car! 

Stephen, his family, Gemma and myself wrapped up
and got into the cars for a trip to Newgrange. Stephen and I got to take in the visitor centre months earlier but never actually got to see the tombs. That was definately worth the trip, We all had a great time and Stephen got to spend much needed time with his family.

We went to dinner in so many places and had waaaayyyy too many take aways. I wanted to make sure he ate so why not have all his favourite foods..

We went to the Guinness Storehouse on a day trip. Best experience of our lives. Then there was the Pet Expo with the dogs. I forgot about these until I went rooting for pictures!

It was all Stephen wanted. To be well enough to spend Christmas and New Years with us all. We went to Beaumont House on Christmas Eve with all his pals. It was such a fun night and we all made some lovely memories.

We went a bit mad buying gifts for everyone. We got picture mugs, photo calendars and gifts made by SnapFish.com. (If you are looking for original gifts they are the cheapest I found online).

Christmas day was lovely. We brought Loki visiting family, Stephen bought him a Santa costume and tried to pass it off as my purchase but you could clearly see besotted Daddy was giving himself away when showing off the dog!! 

 We went to mass in the morning in Whitehall Church which was fabulous and dinner in his parents by late afternoon. 

Stephen spent St Stephen's Day with his parents while I went to mine. 

New Years was another family occasion. I brought out the new Canon Stephen bought for me for Christmas and we took some great pictures for memories.

I still cannot get over the fact he lasted 14 days into January. In those two weeks he was great. No pain, off the oxygen, breathing as well as expected for someone with bad lungs. We went for a couples massage on the Friday before he died and on the Saturday we went for dinner on the Cill Áirne on the Liffey. Quay 16 restaurant. It was on Stephens' bucket list to have dinner there. I am so glad we got around to going as it is one memory of the last few days of his life that I can think of without anxiety. I remember he said to me " This is one of the best nights of my life. Beautiful food, Beautiful company. I am happy.". Big smile on his face as he ate his meal of Sea Bass.

Sunday was when it all kicked off.I surprised him with a Subway but he didn't look himself.

By that night he took very ill. It is hard to write so I will keep this part brief.

I slept 4-5 hours in total over the last few days of his life. We decided it was best to bring him into hospice on the Monday evening. He was brought in on Tuesday afternoon even though he felt better, He needed a rest as did I. 

The next morning I left him with a friend while I went out to take care of business and it was while I was in the bank I got the call that he was gone. 

I don't want to depress myself or anyone just now by going into details but basically the next few days were spent arranging the fun-eral as Stephen wanted it to be called! He is such an easy going person. We spent weeks talking about what he wanted to make sure that if he hadn't checked into Heaven in time that he would have an idea of how the day was going! He chose our clothes for the day and his song was IZ Somewhere over the rainbow. I made sure to have a HUSBAND flower arrangement for the hearse. Those bad boys are expensive by the way!

The day of the fun-eral is a blur. I just remember I didn't feel sad at all. I felt like Stephen was sitting beside me and it was just like the Wedding Day. I'm sure people wondered what I was smiling at but I was having full conversations in my head talking to Stephen about how nice the ceremony was,

He had FIVE priests celebrate the mass and the church was packed, There had to have been at least 300+ guests. I got up on the Altar as Stephen asked and I gave him a great send off - I spoke about our life together and how he made me so happy. I also spoke about his wishes and his love for Loki and everyone. 

My biggest fear was being alone. I have to say I don't feel alone. I believe in after life and that Stephen is still with me and always will be. The anxiety and fear of loss is worse than the actual event, Stephen is pushing me to carry on and that is why I am investing so much energy into putting my blog back to the fore front. I have so much creative energy just now so want to focus it somewhere, 

I've just realised that I have written so much here, I'm sorry if I have bored the arse off you with this essay so I will wrap this up. 

I will continue to talk about Stephen and our life as a sort of therapy. In time I may be able to offer some help to others that need it so feel it will be beneficial to document my feelings from time to time. 

Thanks for reading, I appreciate each and every prayer sent our way.

Next post will be a positive one! Swearzies!!!! 

Love Louise, xxxx

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