Hi | Life update

cancer
Hey guys!

I'm back for an update. It's been a few months and if you have been following me on social media then you know I have been minding the noggin and taking it easy.

This week a number of articles have appeared on The Journal.ie (see here) about grieving and bereavement.
I must admit it is hard reading other peoples' stories but it is a lovely and brave thing to be part of. Some of the pieces have been written by terminal disease sufferers and some pieces have been about what to say to someone who is grieving.

You all know at this point that I am in the midst of grieving for my husband Stephen who passed in January 2015.

It is almost comical at times how some people react when they hear this.
I am 27, I have the ability to put on a mask 99% of the time so I don't have to share my pain with the world so when someone new meets me (that's been happening a lot lately- more on that later) you can see the metaphorical jaw being picked up off the floor.

Us Irish are great for keeping things private and not discussing death in public. Cancer used to be a killer for everyone, the survival rates are improving all the time. Poor Stephen was one of the unlucky few,
I don't bring the subject up mostly for fear of what will be thrown back at me. Some people are insensitive and seem to keep at me until they see tears.. Others avoid me like the plague.
It hurts sometimes because I lost two people I thought were friends that way.
Sometimes a simple "how are you getting on"? question is all you need to say. If I say "I'm grand" I don't want to talk. If I start pouring out my worries then I want to talk!

On October 25th just passed, I celebrated my first wedding anniversary. I spent weeks worrying about how I was going to be. I didn't want to make a fuss. I wanted to just live in the moment and have some privacy so I didn't have to feel pressured.
I got locked with Gemma (well I got locked she slept) in a hotel in Loughrea, Galway.  We went to a spa and had a massage and went home the next day.

Grief is like a rollercoaster with lots of peaks and dips. You never know how you are going to feel. One minute I am grand the next I am sobbing. There are flashbacks that haunt me and nice memories that make me laugh,

I am a very spiritual person and believe that Stephen is around me. Meditation helps a lot as I am able to calm myself and being around positive energies helps too.

There is so much more that I could talk about here but a lady needs to keep some secrets hahaha who am I kidding I am a pure bloke! hahaha sorry I am cracking myself up here... ok... tumbleweed passes...

Quick round up of what else I've been up to before I let you back to your day...

- El Dieto stopped after marathon... Emotional eating has been put under control for now so I'm actually following your man Paul McKenna book - I can make you thin link here

This is not a diet, It is about changing the way you think about food. It not only works on your attitudes but also your self esteem and confidence.

I am liking so far!









- I was accepted into and am 8 weeks into college. I am studying Creative Digital Media in Institute of  technology, Blanchardstown. This is a 4 year honours degree course and a blogger/youtuber dream. It involves alot of project work, creating, film making, photography and web design. I am in my element. I am up to my eyes but the motivation to get back into blogging is there.
creativedigitalmedia.ie

- I am the founding member of a blogger society in college! Yay! More work for me but again anything to get the creative juices flowing again

- I'm a qualified Make up artist.. Again.. I went back to get my ITEC certificate over the summer..

- I am working part time again. It's a struggle with course load but I love the place so am working hard to keep the job.


If you made it this far, fair play to you. I will catch you in my next post!

Love  Louise xxxx


Life Update | Follow on from Post "Brushing off the cobwebs"

cancer
This will be a long post. Just an FYI xx

I think I should go back to November to give you a sense of what we achieved in Stephen's last few months of life. If you want to catch up click here before continuing...

Stephen passed away peacefully in St Francis Hospice, Blanchardstown on January 14th 2015.

 Before I begin I have to say that even though I was Stephen's sole carer the staff, nurses and doctors in St Francis Hospice are amazing. The nurses came to our house daily to give him medications I couldn't administer. The HSE and Social welfare have been fantastic too. Credit were it is due, 
My employer who will remain private have been amazing too.
Also St Vincents Ward in Mater Hospital couldn't have been more supportive. His consultant Prof, Carney is a miracle maker and was so invested in Stephen's well being.Stephen couldn't have stayed home as long as he did if we didn't have that support. 

I left you with the news of our marriage. What a magical day. I know that means I am now a young widow but I wouldn't change a thing. I am proud to bear the title knowing that we committed to each other fully in the eyes of God amongst a million other reasons.

November

Scotland

Driving to Scotland
We drove from Dublin to Scotland for the last epic road trip. Stephen is car mad. He used to regale me of (the same) stories of his first epic road trip around the Ring of Kerry and how it made him feel alive. He also loves Scotland, we both do! Edinburgh is our favourite city after Dublin of course. It made sense to us to allow him one last trip to Scotland and as we couldn't fly we chose to drive. 

We drove to Belfast first and took Stena Line ferry to Cairnryan, Scotland. I haven't been on a boat in years so I was bowled over with how much you can do regarding activities. We paid a little extra to access the Stena Club Lounge and that in itself was unreal. Free drinks, snacks, free wifi, free use of iMacs, areas to sleep and of course the best view from the ship. Coming home we booked a suite and slept the whole way from Cairnryan to Belfast.

Edinburgh Castle behind us! <3
Stephen  drove as far as Glasgow and I took over for the last leg of journey to Fife. It took 9 hours to get over including breaks and traffic stops. We surprised my sister by knocking on her front door. 

Whilst over there we didn't sit around. We took in the sights of St Andrews. Anstruther, Dundee, Kirkaldy promenade and Edinburgh City Centre. It was amazing to see Scotland in the luxury of our own car! 

Newgrange

Stephen, his family, Gemma and myself wrapped up
and got into the cars for a trip to Newgrange. Stephen and I got to take in the visitor centre months earlier but never actually got to see the tombs. That was definately worth the trip, We all had a great time and Stephen got to spend much needed time with his family.

We went to dinner in so many places and had waaaayyyy too many take aways. I wanted to make sure he ate so why not have all his favourite foods..

Loki, Ella and Stephen at the Pet Expo

December

We went to the Guinness Storehouse on a day trip. Best experience of our lives. Then there was the Pet Expo with the dogs. I forgot about these until I went rooting for pictures!

Christmas and New Years

It was all Stephen wanted. To be well enough to spend Christmas and New Years with us all. We went to Beaumont House on Christmas Eve with all his pals. It was such a fun night and we all made some lovely memories.

Christmas Shopping
We went a bit mad buying gifts for everyone. We got picture mugs, photo calendars and gifts made by SnapFish.com. (If you are looking for original gifts they are the cheapest I found online).
Christmas day was lovely. We brought Loki visiting family, Stephen bought him a Santa costume and tried to pass it off as my purchase but you could clearly see besotted Daddy was giving himself away when showing off the dog!! 
 We went to mass in the morning in Whitehall Church which was fabulous and dinner in his parents by late afternoon. 
Stephen spent St Stephen's Day with his parents while I went to mine. 
New Years was another family occasion. I brought out the new Canon Stephen bought for me for Christmas and we took some great pictures for memories.

Family time Lol at Loki
New Years Selfie!

January

I still cannot get over the fact he lasted 14 days into January. In those two weeks he was great. No pain, off the oxygen, breathing as well as expected for someone with bad lungs. We went for a couples massage on the Friday before he died and on the Saturday we went for dinner on the Cill Áirne on the Liffey. Quay 16 restaurant. It was on Stephens' bucket list to have dinner there. I am so glad we got around to going as it is one memory of the last few days of his life that I can think of without anxiety. I remember he said to me " This is one of the best nights of my life. Beautiful food, Beautiful company. I am happy.". Big smile on his face as he ate his meal of Sea Bass.


The last few days and after

Sunday was when it all kicked off.I surprised him with a Subway but he didn't look himself.
By that night he took very ill. It is hard to write so I will keep this part brief.
I slept 4-5 hours in total over the last few days of his life. We decided it was best to bring him into hospice on the Monday evening. He was brought in on Tuesday afternoon even though he felt better, He needed a rest as did I. 
The next morning I left him with a friend while I went out to take care of business and it was while I was in the bank I got the call that he was gone. 
I don't want to depress myself or anyone just now by going into details but basically the next few days were spent arranging the fun-eral as Stephen wanted it to be called! He is such an easy going person. We spent weeks talking about what he wanted to make sure that if he hadn't checked into Heaven in time that he would have an idea of how the day was going! He chose our clothes for the day and his song was IZ Somewhere over the rainbow. I made sure to have a HUSBAND flower arrangement for the hearse. Those bad boys are expensive by the way!

The day of the fun-eral is a blur. I just remember I didn't feel sad at all. I felt like Stephen was sitting beside me and it was just like the Wedding Day. I'm sure people wondered what I was smiling at but I was having full conversations in my head talking to Stephen about how nice the ceremony was,
He had FIVE priests celebrate the mass and the church was packed, There had to have been at least 300+ guests. I got up on the Altar as Stephen asked and I gave him a great send off - I spoke about our life together and how he made me so happy. I also spoke about his wishes and his love for Loki and everyone. 

My biggest fear was being alone. I have to say I don't feel alone. I believe in after life and that Stephen is still with me and always will be. The anxiety and fear of loss is worse than the actual event, Stephen is pushing me to carry on and that is why I am investing so much energy into putting my blog back to the fore front. I have so much creative energy just now so want to focus it somewhere, 

I've just realised that I have written so much here, I'm sorry if I have bored the arse off you with this essay so I will wrap this up. 

I will continue to talk about Stephen and our life as a sort of therapy. In time I may be able to offer some help to others that need it so feel it will be beneficial to document my feelings from time to time. 

Thanks for reading, I appreciate each and every prayer sent our way.

Next post will be a positive one! Swearzies!!!! 

Love Louise, xxxx

 Check out The Irish Cancer Society Website if you want more information or support.

Shave or Dye or OHMY is looking for support. Get Involved!

St Francis Hospice relies on donations from public to keep the doors open for people like Stephen. Follow the link to donate. Or you can volunteer at the hospice. Check the website for details.


New me New February | Life

beauty
Hey everyone

I have fancied up my blog. :D I will be back more regularly with posts over the next few weeks.
I want to update you on what's been happening at home and my plans for the future.

Regarding my plans for the blog (soo excited about this!!)

BRAND NEW 

Regular time 12 pm posts on Mondays and Wednesdays (May change depending on what I want to blog about)


There will a couple of new series' coming soon including:


- Planning a wedding in under 5 days
- A relaunch of a skin care range I can't wait to talk about
- Make up Mondays where I talk about anything beauty related
- Lifestyle Wednesdays where I talk about anything life related

I want to make 2015 a good year for Strawberry Topics as the blog has been and always will be a passion of mine.

So stay a while and have a look at some old posts while your here..

Love Louise xxxxx