Hey everyone


If you have been following my fancy new Facebook page (*cough* click me) You will know that I have been going through the grieving process over the last few months so I have been neglecting the blog. I didn't want to have to come on here and bitch about how sorry I was and make empty promises about posting again soon when clearly that was not going to happen. I took my time, tried not to make myself anxious about not posting here and just focused on getting through the last few months.

Today I want to talk a little about how I have been getting on. I have learned a lot about myself and the people closest to me in regards to coping mechanisms and all that jazz.

So Stephen passed away Five months ago on May 14th, 2015. This month was the first time that I hadn't visited his grave at the exact time of his passing. To be honest I had so much going on I completely forgot. I don't see that as a bad thing and I certainly didn't lose any sleep over it. This time last month though I would have let that eat me inside for days,

I have been going to counselling every couple of weeks in the hospice which has helped me immensely. I used to brush off the idea of counselling. I am a talker (not surprised are ya?) but I tell you what I want you to hear. I felt that speaking to a counsellor would leave me open to judgement and I don't like feeling vulnerable.
I started a reflective journal to spend time writing what ever came to my mind as if I was talking to Stephen. Within a few days I was able to see when I was upset, angry, anxious or scared and what was causing these feelings.
It helped especially when I would go back to counselling and discuss the entries. A couple of events that I couldn't face dealing with before his death  made me feel physically sick when I thought of them. To help over come these feelings I would write down what happened, read back over it and with my counsellors' help speak about it.

Over the last few weeks I have come leaps and bounds with the anxiety issues. Only in the last few days has it stopped becoming a chore to open my laptop, I would have an anxiety attack at the thoughts of opening this website! I have a pain in my chest and neck right now even typing!
If I am leaving the house to go somewhere other than my mothers or Aldi I can't have anything else planned in the day or I start panicking. It is scary when it happens as I am usually so strong but I can't help it. I can't talk about Stephen without crying or if I get a trigger such as a smell or a song I am a zombie for the rest of the day.

To help myself cope better I do some things that are beneficial to me.
I speak to Stephen all the time. I have pictures of him everywhere! You would think I liked him or something haha Only joking. I go to his grave a good bit too. I have that spotless and decorated with lots of flowers and candles... He can't give out to me about how girly it looks now!

I like to plan my day in advance so I know what I need to do. I can manage my time, stay in control and all is well in the world again! :)

I clean A LOT! The house, the car, the garden! Everything is scrubbed so I can feel safe and comfortable.

I have to go to the gym at least five times a week. I missed three days this week due to commitments and I am anxious right now about missing a work out! I wish I was joking! I am losing weight thanks be to Jesus so that will help with all my health issues though.

Gemma (my rock, my life ha) is not allowed leave my side!. I speak to my sister in Scotland at least once a day. Thank God for Skype and Whats App calls. Amanda gets hockied out of it with calls but I am only able for certain people or the anxiety kicks in at the thought of entertaining anyone.

I am walking in the VHI Womens mini marathon with Gemma. My job are helping me raise funds in house to benefit St Francis Hospice and I have a personal fundraising page (Please donate if you even have a Euro I would be greatful!)

 I spent the last year looking after someone else and It was so much easier to bottle up what was inside and talk about the easy stuff, It is hard to open up fully but I want to. I know that grief is a process. I understand that it comes in waves. I know that when I am feeling like I will never get through this that I can remind myself that 'This too shall pass'.
I am trying to not sweat the small stuff and I have turned to meditation and Yoga to relax.

I could go on all night about this so if you lasted to the end of that essay fair play to you. I want to document my feelings as god knows what other people are going through. I know I'm not alone in this. Thank you xxx

Here's some pictures to cheer us both up after all that! I will pop up a review of the Game of Thrones Tour we went on but for now here is some funny shots of the day.

Louise xxxx

Being sound in front of a castle in Carrick Fergus

We heard a Quarry outside Larne held the set of Castle Black. The internet never liessssss

Posing outside the cave where Melisandra gave birth to the shadow! She wasn't there....

Me and Gemz on HER class tour that I invited myself along to haha

The Dark Hedges with Gemz and our mate Joffrey. Yeah right I hate that kid hence the finger ha