Hey everyone!


If you are a regular around these parts you will know I have been so scatty with posts in this last year since Stephen passed. Understandably says you but this blog has been an escape for me for the longest time and I miss it/ you!

So I wanted to put together a post talking about overall how the past year has been and if you know anyone who like me has lost a partner or spouse at a young age it would be nice to hear from you.

My husband Stephen died on January 14.2015 aged 32 from a rare form of cancer called Synovial Sarcoma. We had only been together about 16 months at time of diagnosis.
It was a tough time for us all and we rarely had a break for the entirety of the battle.

I spent the first few months after his death in auto pilot. I went to Scotland to get away and it was while over there that I broke down.
I spent months battling panic attacks and  extreme grief.



I spent over a year caring for Stephen and suddenly I had nothing to do and no company. My brother moved in with me and then my sister after. Gemma still lives with me now.

We spent a lot of time at his grave for the first few months. Now I go every few weeks to make sure it is tidy. The last few weeks have been hard as the anniversary of death, his birthday and our relationship anniversary have come around same time.

I couldn't talk about my journey this last year without talking about my belief in spiritualism. I don't want to push my beliefs on anyone but I genuinely believe Stephen is around me all the time and I have seen a medium a couple of times since he passed. There is one woman in particular that I have a special connection to and has validated a lot of private information about Stephen and I so every few months I go to see her for a chat. I have spent a lot of time focusing on balancing my chakras and learning to meditate to relax. Finding Luisa and the holistic approach to handling grief has helped me through this last year.

I have also found counselling invaluable. I no longer see my hospice counsellor. That was a hard day in itself. I now see someone locally but I find talking through my feelings help me understand the real reason for an upset. A lot of my anxiety stems from child hood but if something happens I know what to link it to.

I have been through so many ups and downs this last year. I'm in college studying-something I thought would never happen! I have opened up to people again and have started to make friendships again. Another surprise!

I still have flashbacks that haunt me. I don't think they will ever fully go but I am finding ways to manage them better. I still have days where I don't talk to anyone and I just cry and feel sorry for myself. Those days are getting fewer and far between.

I have set goals for myself. It is so important to have something to work towards when grieving.
When I am feeling a bout of depression coming on I look out for signs so I know to manage them before it gets out of control. There was a point during the year that I couldn't cope. It scared the shit out of me to be honest. I refused to go on  Anti Depressants. I probably should have but I don't like to rely on medicine.


I am and always will be in love with Stephen.  We had a life, we were planning a family. We both had careers. This is probably one of the hardest parts of being a young widow.
All these new people I meet especially in college have no idea that I am not just a single girl.
My nanny said" You will never be single again" when Stephen died, but I can hardly wear a sign around my neck!
One day I will be ready to let someone else into my life. Right now, I am coming out of the other side of a year of grieving.

I just need to remind myself grief doesn't take time into account..

I promise to chat soon
Louise xxx

Hey everyone!

The laptop was put away for a few weeks (not that I needed an excuse) so today I wanted to reflect on 2015. I love how Facebook have been calling out the "newyear new me" brigade. It's actually gas.

Believe it or not I have actually achieved almost all of the resolutions I made last year.

- I knew Stephen was going to die so I hoped I would be in a better place mentally. I am

- I wanted to get into college and not have to go back to work full time. Both Stephen and I wanted a chance at a better life. I am living his dream!

- I wanted to get the weight down to a healthy level. I lost 3 stone but put it all back on since June. I am not going to beat myself up over it. My mind has been on everything else going on and I couldn't focus.


Gemma (sister) and I walked the dogs the other day and both remarked at how much we achieved in the year. I am so proud of myself and of Gemma.

I am now a college student. I go to college every day and I feel like I belong! I never thought I would have the opportunity. It is a sad reality that If Stephen hadn't passed away I wouldn't be here doing what I love right now..


So this year I propose some simple resolutions:

- I am going to work so hard at college to get the most out of the experience and start creating some awesome content for you to enjoy

- I want to spend more time on the blog and You tube. I am desperate to find my feet on this platform.I want to bring you with me.

- I want to continue with counselling and get my mind into a better place. I want to manage the depression into a safer enviornment and finally mind myself!

What are your resolutions?

Love Louise xxx

CLOSED
WINNER KELLIE KEARNEY !!

I am super excited to be launching my very first ever product giveaway on the blog today!!

I am so grateful to you all for taking the time to connect with Strawberry Topics
 What better way to thank you than with a giveaway.

Competition is open to ROI and NI residents.
Go to my Facebook page strawberry topics
Like it and tag a friend.
Simple!

Closing date will be Tuesday 30th November 2015!

Can't wait to see who wins!

Louise x

Canon masterclass

  


















I took the opportunity to improve my blogging skills this weekend and attended the very first Blogger Conf hosted by EOF | Media. I went with a group of bloggers from ITB Blogger Society.

I love these conferences. There atmosphere is always electric. Bloggers, Youtubers and brands have a place to network and of course it is the place to make new friends!

I was so lucky to meet a number of influential people like Melanie Murphy, Riyadh from Spin 1038 and Glamforce Gail! I literally fan girled the shit out of them all.. I am not even ashamed... 

When I am going through the bad times I forget what I love about blogging. So when I surround myself with other like minded people I fall in love all over again.
The sense of community is amazing. For once in my life I feel like I belong (in a room of 500+ strangers- haha!). I come in to myself and it feels great to forget about the grief for a few hours!





I picked up so many tips today that I will use to put out decent content for you all. 

Anouska PB(Check out her instagram here) gave a talk about social media and photography. Her style is next level and it gave me so many ideas for future work!

Here's some pictures of the day! 

See you soon 

Louise xxx

The Marker Hotel

Melanie and me being besties

Dying over instagram

Leticia, Dee, Anouska, Kewe

Declare stand (Fav skincare!)

Hey guys!

I'm back for an update. It's been a few months and if you have been following me on social media then you know I have been minding the noggin and taking it easy.

This week a number of articles have appeared on The Journal.ie (see here) about grieving and bereavement.
I must admit it is hard reading other peoples' stories but it is a lovely and brave thing to be part of. Some of the pieces have been written by terminal disease sufferers and some pieces have been about what to say to someone who is grieving.

You all know at this point that I am in the midst of grieving for my husband Stephen who passed in January 2015.

It is almost comical at times how some people react when they hear this.
I am 27, I have the ability to put on a mask 99% of the time so I don't have to share my pain with the world so when someone new meets me (that's been happening a lot lately- more on that later) you can see the metaphorical jaw being picked up off the floor.

Us Irish are great for keeping things private and not discussing death in public. Cancer used to be a killer for everyone, the survival rates are improving all the time. Poor Stephen was one of the unlucky few,
I don't bring the subject up mostly for fear of what will be thrown back at me. Some people are insensitive and seem to keep at me until they see tears.. Others avoid me like the plague.
It hurts sometimes because I lost two people I thought were friends that way.
Sometimes a simple "how are you getting on"? question is all you need to say. If I say "I'm grand" I don't want to talk. If I start pouring out my worries then I want to talk!

On October 25th just passed, I celebrated my first wedding anniversary. I spent weeks worrying about how I was going to be. I didn't want to make a fuss. I wanted to just live in the moment and have some privacy so I didn't have to feel pressured.
I got locked with Gemma (well I got locked she slept) in a hotel in Loughrea, Galway.  We went to a spa and had a massage and went home the next day.

Grief is like a rollercoaster with lots of peaks and dips. You never know how you are going to feel. One minute I am grand the next I am sobbing. There are flashbacks that haunt me and nice memories that make me laugh,

I am a very spiritual person and believe that Stephen is around me. Meditation helps a lot as I am able to calm myself and being around positive energies helps too.

There is so much more that I could talk about here but a lady needs to keep some secrets hahaha who am I kidding I am a pure bloke! hahaha sorry I am cracking myself up here... ok... tumbleweed passes...

Quick round up of what else I've been up to before I let you back to your day...

- El Dieto stopped after marathon... Emotional eating has been put under control for now so I'm actually following your man Paul McKenna book - I can make you thin link here

This is not a diet, It is about changing the way you think about food. It not only works on your attitudes but also your self esteem and confidence.

I am liking so far!









- I was accepted into and am 8 weeks into college. I am studying Creative Digital Media in Institute of  technology, Blanchardstown. This is a 4 year honours degree course and a blogger/youtuber dream. It involves alot of project work, creating, film making, photography and web design. I am in my element. I am up to my eyes but the motivation to get back into blogging is there.
creativedigitalmedia.ie

- I am the founding member of a blogger society in college! Yay! More work for me but again anything to get the creative juices flowing again

- I'm a qualified Make up artist.. Again.. I went back to get my ITEC certificate over the summer..

- I am working part time again. It's a struggle with course load but I love the place so am working hard to keep the job.


If you made it this far, fair play to you. I will catch you in my next post!

Love  Louise xxxx

Hey everyone!

To celebrate the launch of The Great Wood Bar and Restaurant, Blanchardstown I was invited to a training day over the weekend to check out the place before it opened and have something to eat on Wetherspoons! This was to aid staff training but worked out also as an introduction to local businesses and to the local community!
Surprisingly JD Wetherspoons is not well known to a lot of people in Ireland so I will give some background information about the company before I jump in to the review! The Great Wood opens Tuesday 30th June, 2015.

A short history

JD Wetherspoons was founded in 1979 by owner Tim Martin. His first pub was opened in London and it has grown to over 900 pubs since then. The first Wetherspoons hotel opened in 1998. They also run Loyd's No 1 Bars in UK.
JD Wetherspoons offers a restaurant / Pub experience at cheaper prices. Pints start at £2 in UK. They are famous for having no music in any of their venues bar the Loyd's No 1 Bars. Also, the pub names hold significance to the area in which they are located.

JD Wetherspoons announced that they would open 30 pubs over 5 years in Ireland with their first pub 'The Three Tunne Tavern' opening in Blackrock, Co Dublin in July 2014. 'The Forty Foot' in Dun Laoighre, Co Dublin opened in December 2014. 'The Old Borough' in Swords, Co Dublin will open in July 2015 and 'The Linen Weaver' in Cork City has been confirmed to open this September 2015. The old Camden Hall Hostel was acquired by JD Wetherspoons late 2014 but no confirmed opening date has been announced.

The Great Wood

My Experience

First Impressions

Ordering, Eating, Drinking

Service

Conclusion

Hey everyone!

As you all may know by now Gemma and I walked in the marathon on June 1st in loving memory of my husband Stephen but also to raise funds for St Francis Hospice, Blanchardstown. If you have read my last few posts you will know the story but for all you new friends have a read here to get up to date!

Once we decided to take part in the marathon Gemma and I realised we needed to improve our fitness levels drastically. We both joined our local gym and I took up the services of a Personal Trainer once a week. It was the best decision I could have made as the workout I was doing was more strength training and was not helping me improve my overall fitness levels. Ben the trainer put me on a 5 day workout plan that involved all over body workouts incorporating weights and something called Xfit. Burpees are not my friend... :(

The trainer also put together a nutrition plan for me. Not going to lie, I suck balls at the plan. Literally every day I do great until the evening rolls around and the boredom sinks in. I already know that stems from my emotional over eating. I am obviously grieving but I have been doing this for years, I over eat when I am stressed, bored, depressed so it is hard to break the habit. I went up to almost 17 stone at the time Stephen died. I stopped looking after myself and all my energy went into making my number one happy. Stephen loved his food. I ate said food with him...
I have lost about two stone though so far. I am currently floating around 14St 13lb mark. I have been so busy the last few weeks that I have fallen off the wagon though so I am trying to kick myself in the hole to start moving again,

Anyway, sorry for the ramble, back to the marathon. Over the course of the journey I focused on online donations and my job allowed me to hold a fundraising day for the hospice. Gemma contributed with cash donations and my Dad brought her card in to his job for sponsors. We are waiting on the last few bob to come in but we are sitting on €1500. Myself and Gemma are over the moon to be handing so much money to the hospice. They really deserve every cent they get!
Thank You to Sky Ireland, Securispeed, Dublin Business School and all you lovely generous people for your support!

We flew through the marathon in 2 hours. I was so glad we got the work in as I wasn't sore or aching after, just tired! Poor Gemma still has blisters from her runners and we got soaked through with torrential rain during the walk!
Over all it was an amazing experience. I would do it again in a heartbeat! Next year I want to be running!

Here are some pictures for you to enjoy! Go on now chicken haha

See you soon!


Love Louise xxx

Next stop made up for the disappointment as we stopped in Cushendun to visit the caves. On the way we took in some of the most breathtaking scenery you could imagine. It was pretty clear day so we could see the outline of Scotland! It is 12 miles away from Antrim coast. There's a bit of trivia for you! Anyway, Cushendun caves is the spot where Milessandra gave birth to the dark shadow in Season 2. It was amazing to instantly recognise the scene setting and imagine the actors at work!


The causeway itself was packed with tourists from around the world. The Giants Causeway is definitely worth a trip. It is fascinating to see the rock formation but it is one of those places that you would go to once and that would be your lot.!

WINNERS:
Sarah Hynes, Hannah Larkin, Sarah Dolan, Roisin Scanlan

Hey everyone!

I have 4 sets of tickets to give away for the Womans World Show this 29th to 31st May 2015.
To be in with a chance make sure to like my Face Book page and tag a friend.
Closing entries 22/5.15 at 4pm! Good luck xxx



http://www.womansworldshow.com/

Hey everyone


If you have been following my fancy new Facebook page (*cough* click me) You will know that I have been going through the grieving process over the last few months so I have been neglecting the blog. I didn't want to have to come on here and bitch about how sorry I was and make empty promises about posting again soon when clearly that was not going to happen. I took my time, tried not to make myself anxious about not posting here and just focused on getting through the last few months.

Today I want to talk a little about how I have been getting on. I have learned a lot about myself and the people closest to me in regards to coping mechanisms and all that jazz.

So Stephen passed away Five months ago on May 14th, 2015. This month was the first time that I hadn't visited his grave at the exact time of his passing. To be honest I had so much going on I completely forgot. I don't see that as a bad thing and I certainly didn't lose any sleep over it. This time last month though I would have let that eat me inside for days,

I have been going to counselling every couple of weeks in the hospice which has helped me immensely. I used to brush off the idea of counselling. I am a talker (not surprised are ya?) but I tell you what I want you to hear. I felt that speaking to a counsellor would leave me open to judgement and I don't like feeling vulnerable.
I started a reflective journal to spend time writing what ever came to my mind as if I was talking to Stephen. Within a few days I was able to see when I was upset, angry, anxious or scared and what was causing these feelings.
It helped especially when I would go back to counselling and discuss the entries. A couple of events that I couldn't face dealing with before his death  made me feel physically sick when I thought of them. To help over come these feelings I would write down what happened, read back over it and with my counsellors' help speak about it.

Over the last few weeks I have come leaps and bounds with the anxiety issues. Only in the last few days has it stopped becoming a chore to open my laptop, I would have an anxiety attack at the thoughts of opening this website! I have a pain in my chest and neck right now even typing!
If I am leaving the house to go somewhere other than my mothers or Aldi I can't have anything else planned in the day or I start panicking. It is scary when it happens as I am usually so strong but I can't help it. I can't talk about Stephen without crying or if I get a trigger such as a smell or a song I am a zombie for the rest of the day.

To help myself cope better I do some things that are beneficial to me.
I speak to Stephen all the time. I have pictures of him everywhere! You would think I liked him or something haha Only joking. I go to his grave a good bit too. I have that spotless and decorated with lots of flowers and candles... He can't give out to me about how girly it looks now!

I like to plan my day in advance so I know what I need to do. I can manage my time, stay in control and all is well in the world again! :)

I clean A LOT! The house, the car, the garden! Everything is scrubbed so I can feel safe and comfortable.

I have to go to the gym at least five times a week. I missed three days this week due to commitments and I am anxious right now about missing a work out! I wish I was joking! I am losing weight thanks be to Jesus so that will help with all my health issues though.

Gemma (my rock, my life ha) is not allowed leave my side!. I speak to my sister in Scotland at least once a day. Thank God for Skype and Whats App calls. Amanda gets hockied out of it with calls but I am only able for certain people or the anxiety kicks in at the thought of entertaining anyone.

I am walking in the VHI Womens mini marathon with Gemma. My job are helping me raise funds in house to benefit St Francis Hospice and I have a personal fundraising page (Please donate if you even have a Euro I would be greatful!)

 I spent the last year looking after someone else and It was so much easier to bottle up what was inside and talk about the easy stuff, It is hard to open up fully but I want to. I know that grief is a process. I understand that it comes in waves. I know that when I am feeling like I will never get through this that I can remind myself that 'This too shall pass'.
I am trying to not sweat the small stuff and I have turned to meditation and Yoga to relax.

I could go on all night about this so if you lasted to the end of that essay fair play to you. I want to document my feelings as god knows what other people are going through. I know I'm not alone in this. Thank you xxx

Here's some pictures to cheer us both up after all that! I will pop up a review of the Game of Thrones Tour we went on but for now here is some funny shots of the day.

Louise xxxx

Being sound in front of a castle in Carrick Fergus

We heard a Quarry outside Larne held the set of Castle Black. The internet never liessssss

Posing outside the cave where Melisandra gave birth to the shadow! She wasn't there....

Me and Gemz on HER class tour that I invited myself along to haha

The Dark Hedges with Gemz and our mate Joffrey. Yeah right I hate that kid hence the finger ha