Hey guys!

I'm back for an update. It's been a few months and if you have been following me on social media then you know I have been minding the noggin and taking it easy.

This week a number of articles have appeared on The Journal.ie (see here) about grieving and bereavement.
I must admit it is hard reading other peoples' stories but it is a lovely and brave thing to be part of. Some of the pieces have been written by terminal disease sufferers and some pieces have been about what to say to someone who is grieving.

You all know at this point that I am in the midst of grieving for my husband Stephen who passed in January 2015.

It is almost comical at times how some people react when they hear this.
I am 27, I have the ability to put on a mask 99% of the time so I don't have to share my pain with the world so when someone new meets me (that's been happening a lot lately- more on that later) you can see the metaphorical jaw being picked up off the floor.

Us Irish are great for keeping things private and not discussing death in public. Cancer used to be a killer for everyone, the survival rates are improving all the time. Poor Stephen was one of the unlucky few,
I don't bring the subject up mostly for fear of what will be thrown back at me. Some people are insensitive and seem to keep at me until they see tears.. Others avoid me like the plague.
It hurts sometimes because I lost two people I thought were friends that way.
Sometimes a simple "how are you getting on"? question is all you need to say. If I say "I'm grand" I don't want to talk. If I start pouring out my worries then I want to talk!

On October 25th just passed, I celebrated my first wedding anniversary. I spent weeks worrying about how I was going to be. I didn't want to make a fuss. I wanted to just live in the moment and have some privacy so I didn't have to feel pressured.
I got locked with Gemma (well I got locked she slept) in a hotel in Loughrea, Galway.  We went to a spa and had a massage and went home the next day.

Grief is like a rollercoaster with lots of peaks and dips. You never know how you are going to feel. One minute I am grand the next I am sobbing. There are flashbacks that haunt me and nice memories that make me laugh,

I am a very spiritual person and believe that Stephen is around me. Meditation helps a lot as I am able to calm myself and being around positive energies helps too.

There is so much more that I could talk about here but a lady needs to keep some secrets hahaha who am I kidding I am a pure bloke! hahaha sorry I am cracking myself up here... ok... tumbleweed passes...

Quick round up of what else I've been up to before I let you back to your day...

- El Dieto stopped after marathon... Emotional eating has been put under control for now so I'm actually following your man Paul McKenna book - I can make you thin link here

This is not a diet, It is about changing the way you think about food. It not only works on your attitudes but also your self esteem and confidence.

I am liking so far!









- I was accepted into and am 8 weeks into college. I am studying Creative Digital Media in Institute of  technology, Blanchardstown. This is a 4 year honours degree course and a blogger/youtuber dream. It involves alot of project work, creating, film making, photography and web design. I am in my element. I am up to my eyes but the motivation to get back into blogging is there.
creativedigitalmedia.ie

- I am the founding member of a blogger society in college! Yay! More work for me but again anything to get the creative juices flowing again

- I'm a qualified Make up artist.. Again.. I went back to get my ITEC certificate over the summer..

- I am working part time again. It's a struggle with course load but I love the place so am working hard to keep the job.


If you made it this far, fair play to you. I will catch you in my next post!

Love  Louise xxxx

Hey everyone!

As you all may know by now Gemma and I walked in the marathon on June 1st in loving memory of my husband Stephen but also to raise funds for St Francis Hospice, Blanchardstown. If you have read my last few posts you will know the story but for all you new friends have a read here to get up to date!

Once we decided to take part in the marathon Gemma and I realised we needed to improve our fitness levels drastically. We both joined our local gym and I took up the services of a Personal Trainer once a week. It was the best decision I could have made as the workout I was doing was more strength training and was not helping me improve my overall fitness levels. Ben the trainer put me on a 5 day workout plan that involved all over body workouts incorporating weights and something called Xfit. Burpees are not my friend... :(

The trainer also put together a nutrition plan for me. Not going to lie, I suck balls at the plan. Literally every day I do great until the evening rolls around and the boredom sinks in. I already know that stems from my emotional over eating. I am obviously grieving but I have been doing this for years, I over eat when I am stressed, bored, depressed so it is hard to break the habit. I went up to almost 17 stone at the time Stephen died. I stopped looking after myself and all my energy went into making my number one happy. Stephen loved his food. I ate said food with him...
I have lost about two stone though so far. I am currently floating around 14St 13lb mark. I have been so busy the last few weeks that I have fallen off the wagon though so I am trying to kick myself in the hole to start moving again,

Anyway, sorry for the ramble, back to the marathon. Over the course of the journey I focused on online donations and my job allowed me to hold a fundraising day for the hospice. Gemma contributed with cash donations and my Dad brought her card in to his job for sponsors. We are waiting on the last few bob to come in but we are sitting on €1500. Myself and Gemma are over the moon to be handing so much money to the hospice. They really deserve every cent they get!
Thank You to Sky Ireland, Securispeed, Dublin Business School and all you lovely generous people for your support!

We flew through the marathon in 2 hours. I was so glad we got the work in as I wasn't sore or aching after, just tired! Poor Gemma still has blisters from her runners and we got soaked through with torrential rain during the walk!
Over all it was an amazing experience. I would do it again in a heartbeat! Next year I want to be running!

Here are some pictures for you to enjoy! Go on now chicken haha

See you soon!


Love Louise xxx

Hey everyone


If you have been following my fancy new Facebook page (*cough* click me) You will know that I have been going through the grieving process over the last few months so I have been neglecting the blog. I didn't want to have to come on here and bitch about how sorry I was and make empty promises about posting again soon when clearly that was not going to happen. I took my time, tried not to make myself anxious about not posting here and just focused on getting through the last few months.

Today I want to talk a little about how I have been getting on. I have learned a lot about myself and the people closest to me in regards to coping mechanisms and all that jazz.

So Stephen passed away Five months ago on May 14th, 2015. This month was the first time that I hadn't visited his grave at the exact time of his passing. To be honest I had so much going on I completely forgot. I don't see that as a bad thing and I certainly didn't lose any sleep over it. This time last month though I would have let that eat me inside for days,

I have been going to counselling every couple of weeks in the hospice which has helped me immensely. I used to brush off the idea of counselling. I am a talker (not surprised are ya?) but I tell you what I want you to hear. I felt that speaking to a counsellor would leave me open to judgement and I don't like feeling vulnerable.
I started a reflective journal to spend time writing what ever came to my mind as if I was talking to Stephen. Within a few days I was able to see when I was upset, angry, anxious or scared and what was causing these feelings.
It helped especially when I would go back to counselling and discuss the entries. A couple of events that I couldn't face dealing with before his death  made me feel physically sick when I thought of them. To help over come these feelings I would write down what happened, read back over it and with my counsellors' help speak about it.

Over the last few weeks I have come leaps and bounds with the anxiety issues. Only in the last few days has it stopped becoming a chore to open my laptop, I would have an anxiety attack at the thoughts of opening this website! I have a pain in my chest and neck right now even typing!
If I am leaving the house to go somewhere other than my mothers or Aldi I can't have anything else planned in the day or I start panicking. It is scary when it happens as I am usually so strong but I can't help it. I can't talk about Stephen without crying or if I get a trigger such as a smell or a song I am a zombie for the rest of the day.

To help myself cope better I do some things that are beneficial to me.
I speak to Stephen all the time. I have pictures of him everywhere! You would think I liked him or something haha Only joking. I go to his grave a good bit too. I have that spotless and decorated with lots of flowers and candles... He can't give out to me about how girly it looks now!

I like to plan my day in advance so I know what I need to do. I can manage my time, stay in control and all is well in the world again! :)

I clean A LOT! The house, the car, the garden! Everything is scrubbed so I can feel safe and comfortable.

I have to go to the gym at least five times a week. I missed three days this week due to commitments and I am anxious right now about missing a work out! I wish I was joking! I am losing weight thanks be to Jesus so that will help with all my health issues though.

Gemma (my rock, my life ha) is not allowed leave my side!. I speak to my sister in Scotland at least once a day. Thank God for Skype and Whats App calls. Amanda gets hockied out of it with calls but I am only able for certain people or the anxiety kicks in at the thought of entertaining anyone.

I am walking in the VHI Womens mini marathon with Gemma. My job are helping me raise funds in house to benefit St Francis Hospice and I have a personal fundraising page (Please donate if you even have a Euro I would be greatful!)

 I spent the last year looking after someone else and It was so much easier to bottle up what was inside and talk about the easy stuff, It is hard to open up fully but I want to. I know that grief is a process. I understand that it comes in waves. I know that when I am feeling like I will never get through this that I can remind myself that 'This too shall pass'.
I am trying to not sweat the small stuff and I have turned to meditation and Yoga to relax.

I could go on all night about this so if you lasted to the end of that essay fair play to you. I want to document my feelings as god knows what other people are going through. I know I'm not alone in this. Thank you xxx

Here's some pictures to cheer us both up after all that! I will pop up a review of the Game of Thrones Tour we went on but for now here is some funny shots of the day.

Louise xxxx

Being sound in front of a castle in Carrick Fergus

We heard a Quarry outside Larne held the set of Castle Black. The internet never liessssss

Posing outside the cave where Melisandra gave birth to the shadow! She wasn't there....

Me and Gemz on HER class tour that I invited myself along to haha

The Dark Hedges with Gemz and our mate Joffrey. Yeah right I hate that kid hence the finger ha

VHI Women's Mini Marathon -  June 1st, 2015

This will be a long post. Just an FYI xx

I think I should go back to November to give you a sense of what we achieved in Stephen's last few months of life. If you want to catch up click here before continuing...

Stephen passed away peacefully in St Francis Hospice, Blanchardstown on January 14th 2015.

Before I begin I have to say that even though I was Stephen's sole carer the staff, nurses and doctors in St Francis Hospice are amazing. The nurses came to our house daily to give him medications I couldn't administer. The HSE and Social welfare have been fantastic too. Credit were it is due, 
My employer who will remain private have been amazing too.
Also St Vincents Ward in Mater Hospital couldn't have been more supportive. His consultant Prof, Carney is a miracle maker and was so invested in Stephen's well being.Stephen couldn't have stayed home as long as he did if we didn't have that support. 

I left you with the news of our marriage. What a magical day. I know that means I am now a young widow but I wouldn't change a thing. I am proud to bear the title knowing that we committed to each other fully in the eyes of God amongst a million other reasons.

November

Scotland

Driving to Scotland

Edinburgh Castle behind us! <3

Newgrange

Loki, Ella and Stephen at the Pet Expo

December

Christmas and New Years

Christmas Shopping

Family time Lol at Loki

New Years Selfie!

January

The last few days and after

Hey everyone

I will try to keep this short as today's post is painful but I want to stay positive. Maybe you have been here before? Or you know someone who has or is going through a cancer battle.

My husband (more about that later) was diagnosed in July 2013 with a rare form of cancer called a synovial sarcoma. You can get a sarcoma anywhere really but in Stephen's case it was in the right ankle. As Stephen was fit and healthy otherwise, what doctors (GP and Hospital) thought was swelling in ankle. After a "full" investigation (an x ray), it actually transpired a 5 cm tumour had grown so large it had wrapped around ankle. Due to the severity of the tumour his leg was amputated to just below right knee.

Stephen's recovery from surgery was hindered due to an poorly treated infection and a stump that would not heal so for 6 months Stephen had to rely on crutches full time to get around as they could not fit him for a prosthesis.

In January 2014, Stephen started to feel unwell. He could not breathe well and he was not sleeping. I will never forget it, I was beside myself with worry. I eventually got him into hospital and thanks to the Irish Accident and Emergency department he was kept on a plastic chair in the waiting room for 9 hours in agony and no support for breathing until they put him into a bed and admitted him into hospital at 7 am the next morning. All without telling me what was happening.
Turns out he had a severe infection in the chest and the cancer he worked hard to beat had spread to both lungs. Stephens' bodies motto must be 'go hard or go home' as when he gets ill he gets really ill.

He was moved to the Mater Hospital after a week fighting infection and we met with one of the best Oncologists in the country. It was explained to us that Stephen would have to start treatment immediately and we were carted off the the HARI clinic the next day. Stephen was given the opportunity to store for future use if we ever wanted to conceive. That in itself was an experience.

We learned that the infection in the stump had far from cleared. Osteomalitis is the name. Life threatening if left untreated Stephen was on antibiotics for at least 8 weeks in which time the hospital found sutures left from surgery and gauze due to a bad job cleaning wound. He was under the care of Infectious diseases.Once it cleared he was fitted for a prosthesis so no more crutches.

For the next 6 months Stephen had a 3 day stay in hospital and 28 days off. The chemotherapy drugs made him feel lots better but unfortunately 6 cycles are the maximum allowed due to the effects one of the drugs have on the heart. By June the lesions in lungs had shrunk considerably and we were given a break.

In September the breathing issues started to rear it's head again. I knew the signs by now that something was wrong. Sent him to his GP and was told there was no infection and to wait for another few weeks to meet consultant. Unbeknownst to us, the oncologist was unhappy with the last scan as it had shown a considerable growth so a new round of chemotherapy had already been ordered.

For what ever reason Stephen's body could not handle this new drug and after one full cycle his immune system depleted to scary low levels. Within 24 hours of him receiving the drug he had a serious infection. He was coughing blood and ran a temperature of 39c.
Rushing him to hospital for a third time I felt numb. I knew the outcome would not be what we wanted. Back on antibiotics this time I was told he was critical and to prepare for the worst.

My world came crashing down around me, They told me not to speak to Stephen about it but he knows me better than I know myself. He knew himself that he was in trouble.
The next day the Oncologist met us and gave us the news. I don't know how he does his job, he was finding it hard to keep it together. The capacity in the lungs is lowering daily, The chemotherapy is doing more harm than good to the body. His heart would not take another cycle.
The cancer is terminal. The hospital gave us 2 days when he went in on the 15th October, Stephen pulled through the infection. They have given us weeks, not months or years. Stephen is back home, On constant oxygen but better than ever. We are doing more now that we know he wont be well for much longer.

We married on the 25th October 2014. What started as an idea to marry in Hospital Chapel as Stephen was too sick to get out of bed ended in a beautiful ceremony with 100 family and friends and a reception in Stephen's local pub, The Beaumont House. Everything that happened on the day was due to kindness and generosity of our family, friends and both our communities. The Beaumont House covered the bill for all those people.The cake was donated by The Boston Bakery. Whitehall Church allowed us to use the altar and a choir sang beautifully for us. My grandmother helped me pay for clothes and rings. We are still on a high now and I think the wedding gave Stephen a boost to stay strong for us all.

We have so many plans but all are made without tomorrow in mind. The local hospice have met us and are bringing Stephen in slowly to get used to the place and help him decide where he wants to spend his last few days.

I have not gone back to work since October and I don't plan to for a while, I may even go to College to study nursing. Caring for Stephen has made me want more for my life. My biggest fear is a loved one dying. Now that is happening there is nothing in life to fear. I know Stephen will always be looking down on me and Loki our dog.

I believe we all start out life with a ticket we just don't know when our time is up. I believe there is an afterlife and that spirits exist. I wont go into it much but I had crazy dreams and anxiety in the weeks up until Stephen got sick both times and I dreamt of my grandfather who died of lung cancer. I believe he was trying to give me a sign.. Could be a coincidence but it helps me cope so I don't mind if people think I am mad for thinking like this.

Stephen donated his leg to Cancer Research and has been involved in fundraising for men's health and Movember, Unfortunately the chemotherapy cycle made his hair fall out so no Movember this year!
I will continue to help support research when Stephen passes on.

I promise to update you all again and will even do a full post about the wedding day over the next few weeks. Thanks for reading my story.

Louise xxx