If you are a regular around these parts you will know I have been so scatty with posts in this last year since Stephen passed. Understandably says you but this blog has been an escape for me for the longest time and I miss it/ you!
So I wanted to put together a post talking about overall how the past year has been and if you know anyone who like me has lost a partner or spouse at a young age it would be nice to hear from you.
My husband Stephen died on January 14.2015 aged 32 from a rare form of cancer called Synovial Sarcoma. We had only been together about 16 months at time of diagnosis.
It was a tough time for us all and we rarely had a break for the entirety of the battle.
I spent the first few months after his death in auto pilot. I went to Scotland to get away and it was while over there that I broke down.
I spent months battling panic attacks and extreme grief.
I spent over a year caring for Stephen and suddenly I had nothing to do and no company. My brother moved in with me and then my sister after. Gemma still lives with me now.
We spent a lot of time at his grave for the first few months. Now I go every few weeks to make sure it is tidy. The last few weeks have been hard as the anniversary of death, his birthday and our relationship anniversary have come around same time.
I couldn't talk about my journey this last year without talking about my belief in spiritualism. I don't want to push my beliefs on anyone but I genuinely believe Stephen is around me all the time and I have seen a medium a couple of times since he passed. There is one woman in particular that I have a special connection to and has validated a lot of private information about Stephen and I so every few months I go to see her for a chat. I have spent a lot of time focusing on balancing my chakras and learning to meditate to relax. Finding Luisa and the holistic approach to handling grief has helped me through this last year.
I have also found counselling invaluable. I no longer see my hospice counsellor. That was a hard day in itself. I now see someone locally but I find talking through my feelings help me understand the real reason for an upset. A lot of my anxiety stems from child hood but if something happens I know what to link it to.
I have been through so many ups and downs this last year. I'm in college studying-something I thought would never happen! I have opened up to people again and have started to make friendships again. Another surprise!
I still have flashbacks that haunt me. I don't think they will ever fully go but I am finding ways to manage them better. I still have days where I don't talk to anyone and I just cry and feel sorry for myself. Those days are getting fewer and far between.
I have set goals for myself. It is so important to have something to work towards when grieving.
When I am feeling a bout of depression coming on I look out for signs so I know to manage them before it gets out of control. There was a point during the year that I couldn't cope. It scared the shit out of me to be honest. I refused to go on Anti Depressants. I probably should have but I don't like to rely on medicine.
I am and always will be in love with Stephen. We had a life, we were planning a family. We both had careers. This is probably one of the hardest parts of being a young widow.
All these new people I meet especially in college have no idea that I am not just a single girl.
My nanny said" You will never be single again" when Stephen died, but I can hardly wear a sign around my neck!
One day I will be ready to let someone else into my life. Right now, I am coming out of the other side of a year of grieving.
I just need to remind myself grief doesn't take time into account..
I promise to chat soon
Louise xxx
- 22:21
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